秒速飞艇app官网·1

秒速飞艇app官网·1

学生基础:高中生,雅思首考写作5.5分。


学生写作风格:


优点:整体思路和逻辑清晰/ 初步掌握了句型切换使用能力

缺点:局部表达欠缺丰富性/ 偏向口语化、空泛化/ 经常会犯初级语法错误


批改原理:1.纠正基本的语法、表达薄弱点并反复强调,第一遍老师批改,第二遍要求学生自批,以强化学生对错误的认知。

2. 提出高频简单词汇的多样替换,要求学生背诵和使用。以在词汇层面上相较于5.5分段学生脱颖而出。

3. 对于首尾呼应、段落内部的呼应、和题目划分范围的呼应随时做到比较和警醒。

4. 对论证过程中对解释和举例要求弥补逻辑缝隙、提供更结实的细节。


练习题目:


Children are facing more pressures nowadays from academic, social and commercial perspectives. What are the causes of these pressures and what measures should be taken to reduce these pressures?

 

学生练习原文:


Nowadays children have more pressures from educational, social and commercial. There are some reason for this trend. In this essay you will find the reason and the solution in my mind to reduce their pressures.

 

People around of children are one of the important factors for child such as teachers, parents and classmates. Firstly Teacher and parents want them succeed at school, such as a top student. But their wish is too high to child to achieve, and in the end it will cause children to unhappy. Secondly all children have to face their classmates at school which is also give them stress, students like to compare with each other to find who is the best , so if they lose they will be unhappy and fell stressful. Besides the price of the remedial work classes also bring pressures to child, because that the amount of money and energy they pay but have no give back will drive them mad.

 

Although it is not easy to solve these problem which cause child unhappy, I still find out some way to reduce this trend. For the parents and teachers, they should make more chance to have talk with their child. In this way they can know how their children fell and change the plan they do for the children. Another method is for children ,they should balance their study and relax. I think make a plan is a good ideal, you can do the right thing in the right time and change your plan if it does not suit you.

 

In conclusion, there are many factors affect the child’s felling, such as people and money.  It is difficult to solve but we still can find way to reduce this solution. I would like to see that every students will enjoy there school life in the future.

教师批改实录

开头段:Nowadays children have more pressures from educational, social and commercial. There are some reason for this trend. In this essay you will find the reason and the solution in my mind to reduce their pressures.

 

开头段在技术上看没有特别大的问题,背景转述和outline sentence都有写。但是6个错误/不足,就将本段开头的印象分拉到了5-5.5:

  • Have more pressures :pressure在物理意义上是可数名词,在心理意义上是不可数;have pressure也不是更好的提分表达,suffer pressure from..或者 undergo the pressure from…会更好
  • 开头的表达还可以再提升下:Children are susceptible to pressure from their parents and peers.
  • 词性误用:educational, social and commercial.都是形容词。需要改成名词。

 

  • the are some reasons,简单的单复数错误不要犯
  • outline sentence建议尝试被动语态:The contributing factors and solutions to alleviate this concerns will be presented below.
  • 一个段落里两次出现了pressure,在词汇丰富度上露怯,需要替换下
    • stress/ stressy thoughts/ mental health risks/ tension/ anxiety都可以

本段任务:背诵pressure的多种替换表达

 

第二段:

People around of children are one of the important factors for child such as teachers, parents and classmates. Firstly Teacher and parents want them succeed at school, such as a top student. But their wish is too high to child to achieve, and in the end it will cause children to unhappy. Secondly all children have to face their classmates at school which is also give them stress, students like to compare with each other to find who is the best , so if they lose they will be unhappy and fell stressful. Besides the price of the remedial work classes also bring pressures to child, because that the amount of money and energy they pay but have no give back will drive them mad.

 

这一段问题特别多,我们从多个评分角度来分析:

-1.首先是呼应角度。大的任务呼应你做到了,从三个层面分析压力源。但细节处的呼应做得不好

Topic sentence 你指出孩子周围的人是压力来源之一。那考官就会默认你之后的分论点都是围绕“people“展开,然而,第三点你说the price of the remedial work class,就脱离了people的范畴,这是逻辑不严谨的表现。修改下Topic sentence: The fact that children are coerced into pressures and responsibilities stems from a number of root reasons.接着再根据题目要求分别从三个角度分析。

 

-2. 从论证细节看,连贯性和逻辑性有跳跃:

Firstly, teacher and parents want them succeed at school, such as a top student. But their wish is too high to child to achieve, and in the end, it will cause children to unhappy.

老师家长希望孩子成为顶尖学生。但是目标太难达成,会让孩子不开心。这里看似逻辑没问题时,实际上却发了细节去补充你的合理性:为什么目标难达成?孩子为什么不开心?看一下我们换个表达:

Firstly, the high expectations from parents and teachers may place constant stress on children. When the teens feel like each homework assignment is going to make or break their future or that each soccer game could determine if they get a college scholarship, that pressure will have negative consequences, such as higher rates of mental illness even increased risk of suicide.

 

第二点论证peer pressure时做得略好些,因为你提及了“孩子爱争第一”这点原因。但对peer pressure你可能有误解,将它理解为“竞争层面压力”是不够的,它的定义是:Peer pressure is when your classmates, or other people your age, try to get you to do something. Negative peer pressure 包括劝说吸烟喝酒等。

 

-3. 从词汇表达和句型黏性、丰富性看略差:

unhappy这样的词汇在你本篇习作里有多种表达可以去替换:

feeling stressed/ be struggling to cope with sth/ disappointed都可以。

 

句子黏性看:Secondly all children have to face their classmates at school which is also give them stress, students like to compare with each other to find who is the best , so if they lose they will be unhappy and fell stressful.你原句试图在一句话内呈现因果论证是可取的,但句型松散。我们改下:

Secondly, teens may have to face their classmates and try to fit in group at school , which also causes stress for them as their peers may force them to try the cigarette or alcohol illegally.

 

-4. 语法和其它层面:

is give这种用法请留意不要再犯。

All 这样绝对化的词也别在写作里用。

 

本段任务:背诵unhappy的多种替换

第三段:

Although it is not easy to solve these problem which cause child unhappy, I still find out some way to reduce this trend. For the parents and teachers, they should make more chance to have talk with their child. In this way they can know how their children fell and change the plan they do for the children. Another method is for children ,they should balance their study and relax. I think make a plan is a good ideal, you can do the right thing in the right time and change your plan if it does not suit you.

口语化是这段的典型特点,前面犯过的错误这段还在继续犯,我不替你修改了,你自己来改:

  1. 单复数错误
  2. 词性误用
  3. 表达重复、单调 unhappy
  4. 升级表达: to have talk with their child
  5. 给出实际建议的细节:改变计划/在正确的时间做正确的事,就是是什么事?要对应第二段你分析的压力源来提出解决措施。

本段任务:自我纠正5大不足并提交老师

结尾:In conclusion, there are many factors affect the child’s felling, such as people and money.  It is difficult to solve but we still can find way to reduce this solution. I would like to see that every students will enjoy there school life in the future.

 

结论也是空话,factors没有总结大概层面,没有对开头和body段分论点进行紧密呼应。解决措施也是空话,抽象名词居多.且,to reduce the solution是错误用法。在时间不够时可以这么写,但时间充裕但情况下不建议这样繁琐又空洞但表达。

本文老师赋分5分。全文请重写。

7.5分范文:

There is a current distressing situation that the external life has burdened the youth with a wide range of pressures. In this essay, I would discuss several precursors to this issue, before some viable measures are drawn. 

 

The fact that children are coerced into pressures and responsibilities stems from a number of root reasons. As far as the academic burden is concerned, it is the escalating competitiveness of the job market accompanied with the parental over-expectation that is to blame. The organisations’ demand of a qualified workforce pours into the parents’ mind a thought that their children have to be successful at school, and many youths today take studying as an obligation. In addition, some children, mostly those who have special talents or are born in famous families, may find their personal life in the public interest. The appearance on the media at such a young age may deprive the junior citizens of an innocent and carefree childhood. Regarding the commercial pressure children have to encounter, fast food chains or sweetshops have made them the target customers; and they are dragged into a chaotic influx of information by both the online and offline advertising campaigns. 

 

In order to reverse such pressures on children, I would like to propose a number of drastic remedies. Firstly, parents should create a mentally and physically healthy domestic environment, involving a balance between learning and relaxing. Cooling-down activities such as sports, drawing or traveling, which are normally affordable, can release the stress of children brought on by both academic and social burdens. In addition, business morality has to be emphasized and penetrated by all firms. They should keep their online advertisements inaccessible to the youth by putting age restrictions on their websites. 

 

In final words, it is unfair for the children to bear any kind of pressure, and every part of society should exert effort to provide them with a happy youth life. 

 

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